"My Child Says That's Not What Happened": A Guide for UK Teachers

Few emails change the course of a school day quite like this one.

"My child says that's not what happened."

You read it once, then again. Almost immediately, you're replaying the lesson in your mind, trying to remember exactly who said what, whether another member of staff was present, and how you'll respond if the conversation escalates. A routine classroom incident can suddenly feel much bigger than it did at three o'clock that afternoon.

If you've worked in a UK school for any length of time, you've almost certainly experienced this situation. Parents hear one account at home, while teachers and other staff have witnessed something different in school. Most of the time, nobody is deliberately misleading anyone. People are simply describing the same event from different perspectives and with different pieces of information.

Resist the Pressure to Reply Straight Away

Very few difficult emails become easier because they are answered within ten minutes. Once emotions have settled, teachers often realise they would have written something quite different if they had waited until the following morning. Time rarely changes the facts, but it often improves our judgement.

A short acknowledgement is usually enough to begin with. Let the parent know you have received their email, thank them for raising their concern, and explain that you are looking into the matter before responding fully. Most parents would rather receive a thoughtful reply tomorrow than a hurried one today.

Gather the Facts Before Reaching a Conclusion

Experienced teachers know that the first version of events is rarely the complete one. A pupil may tell their parents what happened on the journey home, while a teaching assistant remembers details you did not see because they were standing elsewhere in the classroom. By the next morning, another pupil may provide information that changes everyone's understanding of what happened.

That is why it is worth slowing down before replying. Speak with colleagues where appropriate, review any behaviour records, and follow your school's normal procedures. If the incident involved safeguarding concerns, speak with your Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL) before responding rather than trying to resolve the matter through email.

Remember What Parents Are Trying to Do

When a parent questions your account of an incident, it is easy to feel as though your professionalism is under attack. Sometimes that may be true, but more often parents are doing exactly what we would expect them to do. They are trying to understand why their child came home upset and whether the school has all the relevant information.

Keeping that in mind changes the way you read the email. Instead of seeing an accusation that needs to be answered, you begin to see a concern that needs to be understood. That shift alone often changes the tone of the reply before you have written a single sentence.

Not Every Child Will Describe an Incident in the Same Way

Children do not all process experiences in the same way. Age, emotional state, friendships, previous experiences, and additional needs can all influence how an incident is remembered and described after school. That is one reason experienced teachers avoid making assumptions too quickly.

Where appropriate, it may also be helpful to speak with colleagues who know the pupil well, including the SENCO or a pastoral lead. They may provide context that helps everyone understand why a situation unfolded as it did. Gathering that information is not about proving someone wrong. It is about making the best professional decision with the information available.

Explain What You Observed

When you reply, stay close to the facts. Describe what you saw, what was said, and what actions were taken in line with the school's behaviour policy. Avoid guessing why a pupil behaved as they did or suggesting you know what they intended.